I Wanna Be: On Aspirations and Time

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

When I was five, I wanted to be a cop. At six, I decided a career as a scuba diver might be more interesting. At eight, I figured why not pick the best of both worlds and be a scuba diving cop. Back then, my career aspirations were far fetched, out there, wild enough that they were exactly what you might a child to answer when asked a question about the future. As a child I spoke with conviction, believed my own words with such fervor that to consider alternatives to my thinking would have been heresy. As a teen, my aspirations lost their luster. Being a cop just doesn’t have the same appeal when you’re constantly affronted by the death of a Black person at the hands of police. And how could I be a scuba diver when I already had a mild fear of water which had just recently manifested itself into an acute fear of oceans and the deep blue. Worst of all, I was forced to confront the misgivings that inspired my third career aspiration. Besides the more obvious challenge of blending the responsibilities of a scuba diver with that of a cop, I began to understand that should I pursue this career choice, I would eventually find myself at odds with an invisible enemy. Time.

There’s never enough time in a day, a year, a life. Certainly not enough time to pursue two demanding (and let’s be honest very different) career paths. Eventually, I’ll have to make a choice. Realizing this, I’ve started to apply this same logic to my new aspirations, begun to realize that my goals and dreams, which were admittedly more tame than the musings of my kid self, were all so different. Being pulled in so many directions left me confused, anxious, adrift in a sea of opportunity.

It wasn’t that I didn’t know what I wanted to do or even who I wanted to be. It was that I wanted to do more than one thing, be more than one person. Back then, if you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I might have said that I want to be a businessmanlawayerwriterpoliticianjournalistsfamilymangoodpersonhumanitarian. And today, not much has changed. I’ve crossed out some of these options, but the list remains.

Don’t get me wrong, to have dreams and wants is not a bad thing. But, when your dreams and ideas about your future are misaligned with your path things get complicated. The things I think I want aren’t the things I have or maybe even the things I will have in the future. And yet, I am happy? Content? Fulfilled? I’m beginning to understand what it means to defer a dream, to align oneself with other goals and to find refuge in things accomplished, fear in things unknown.

Imagine my surprise, when aimless scrolling on Twitter one day led to the discovery of a thread of users, mostly Black, that were documenting their experiences that were similar, and in some cases identical, to my own. The initial tweet was something like this: “So many middle class kids who are interested in everything grow up as directionless adults, and we rarely talk about that.” It struck me then that this was the first “problem” I had ever seen that wasn’t derived from the absence of opportunity, but the abundance of it. The fact being that those who have access to different experiences, organizations and other opportunities of varying degrees when they are younger are more likely to grow up and eventually experience a form of ennui. And, this can be especially true for Black children in the middle class. So many studies have been done about the adverse effects a lack of opportunity and exposure can have on adolescents and young adults, but how many have sought to investigate how having access to various opportunities and experiences might affect the big decisions one makes in life?

Though I haven’t come across a lot of research that provides insight into this phenomenon, I can point to a few people that have found a way to pursue more than one path. To lead lives that are part demanding, exciting and fulfilling.

• Donald Glover: A rapper, comedian, actor, writer who has found success in most anything. Having led an extremely successful career in the entertainment industry, he’s been able to open doors for aspiring black entertainers.
• Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: A former pro wrestler and football player turned actor, The Rock’s a mainstay in the action movie genre, serving as the lead for some of the biggest blockbusters of our time. Apart from this, his shredded physique and commitment to weightlifting and fitness has earned him the honorific of “legend” in the body building community.
• Issa Rae: Actor, writer, producer and so much more. Issa Rae is the creator of the hit show “insecure” which shines a light on the minutiae of Black womanhood and life as a millenial.
• Janelle Monáe: Singer, song-writer, activist and now actress, Monáe has starred in some of the biggest hits in Black Hollywood and is set to star in the highly anticipated Antebellum coming later this year. Her music career is characterized by her funky beats and soulful sound, and her portrayals of historical and fictional characters alike have helped her find fame on the big and small screens.

So, the question becomes: what do each of these people have that I don’t? Money, prestige and a platform come to mind initially, but let’s forget all that for a second. Everyone has to start somewhere, no one’s born with fame or fortune, all that comes later. When I think back on my own childhood and upbringing, I’m inclined to say that I’ve been fortunate to get off to a pretty good start. A start that gave me access, privilege, opportunity. As I transition into this new world, maybe it’s also time to transition into a new way of thinking. You have one life, but that doesn’t mean you should follow just one passion.

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

I’ve decided to change my answer. Trade my boilerplate for something more reflective to me, my interests, my passions. I want to be good at my job, I want to continue to develop myself as a writer, try some new hobbies, do life doing what makes me happy. I once read a quote that said something to the effect of “the most dangerous thing to do is dream.” But, as a Black person, a young Black man, I have no choice but to dream. To continue on the paths I’ve chosen for myself. In a world that seeks to disparage our race, demean our people, dreams are a must. To resign yourself to one idea about who you should be is to throw away your freedom. To contort the very thing that makes us human that truly gives us life. Our want (need) to be happy in whatever we do. So today, I want (I choose) to be everything I’ve ever wanted.